Tag Archives: Movies

Hail To The Dhampir!

Good morning fellow Painkillers, and welcome to another addition of Saturday Morning Cinema. Today I’m going to give you a classic movie from 1985. It’s about vampires, and not the bullshit vampires that we have today. These guys don’t sparkle in the sunlight, and humans are actually scared of them, and don’t find them sexy, and are not trying to fuck them. So without further delay let’s get into Vampire Hunter D.

So for those of you that have never heard of this before, I’m going to give you a brief summary of the franchise. The series is set in a far off future that has dealt with nuclear war in its past. It has elements of many genres such as fantasy, si-fi, western, and horror. The main character known as D. He is a dhampir, the son of a full blooded vampire father, and a full blooded human mother. Because of this, he doesn’t suffer from the normal weaknesses that hurt vampires, but he does suffer from sun sickness that hits him once every few years. D is also the host of a symbiote that goes by Left hand, since he resides in D’s left hand. He plays the wise cracking sidekick role, but Left Hand has some very useful powers that helps out D, even though Driving is very powerful himself. The two of them go around and hunt down vampires and other dark beings that threaten the human world. Now on with the movie.

Count Magnus Lee, a 10,000 year old, long lost Noble vampire is in search of a a bride. His choice, Doris Lang, the daughter of a well known deceased werewolf hunter. He attacks her, but she gets away, and happens to runs into D. After explaining what is going on, Doris hires D to protect her from Magnus. A little while later, they come across Doris’s younger brother Dan, and a man named Greco Roman. He is the mayor’s son. He knows what has happened to Doris, and offers to help to protect her as well. In exchange, he wants Doris for himself. Wow! OK, either Doris is rich, the hottest girl in the land, or they are in a small town, and she is the only girl that is single and of age. Anyway, does Doris accept Greco’s offer? Can D and Left Hand protect Doris from Magnus? Does Doris become Magnus’s bride? To get these answers and more, you have to see the movie for yourself, cause I’m not going to give you those answers.

Even though this is an older series, this movie is pretty good. The animation style fits it’s time period, so it doesn’t stand out in that way, it stands out due to its story. I personally saw this movie without ever knowing anything about the Vampire Hunter D series, and not only did I understand it, I definitely wanted more. Luckily there is another movie, but that’s one for another time. If you haven’t seen this, or it has been a while since you seen it last, go find it, or dust off that DVD you have and check it out. Until next time Painkillers.

 

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WTFriday Movies!

No matter if it’s a children’s animated movie, or a buddy cop movie all movies tend to have and follow certain tropes that worked in previous movies to lead to success. Horror movies tend to do the same thing, and one big thing with those type of movies is, that the monster or killer tends to have to be scary. Weather its the old Dracula, or Frankenstein’s monster, to Freddy or Jason, to even someone like Jigsaw, they are all scary in their own unique way or forum. Unfortunately, there are two franchises that completely drop the ball with their monster/killer, those are Chucky from the Child’s Play series, and Leprechaun, from the Leprechaun series.

Let’s start with the Child’s Play series first. The story is a serial killer is gunned down by police in a toy store, right before he dies, he uses black magic to transfers his soul into a doll. Now inside the doll, he spends the rest of the first movie killing people, and trying to transfer his soul out of the doll, into a young boy. The next few movies follow almost the same story, then the next few movies take an odd turn. My thing is not to poke holes in the movies, I want to focus on Chucky.

To me, horror, monster, slasher films whatever they are labeled, the killer has to have something about them, that makes others fear them. It could be something simple as the way the killer looks, their size, their strength, not feeling pain, just something that makes people go, I need to run away, and not try to fight the killer. Even if the killer is just a human, the way the killer blends into society, and no one every suspects them of being the killer, until it’s too late, makes them feared. The damn doll is not scary at all.

The serial killer that you only see for a few minutes, is scary. You know off the bat, that he has killed a bunch of people, and due to the transfer, you know that he knows black magic. Unfortunately, once the killer is now in a two foot kids toy, he is no longer scary. Maybe if this movie was for kids, it might work better because those My Buddy and Kid Sister dolls did look pretty damn creepy back in the day, but it’s R rated, so I doubt many adults found him scary. He looks too cute to be scary, and I still wonder how the hell this doll overpowered anyone? The doll weights less than 5 pounds, it’s not like the doll got the killer’s height, weight, or strength, and if he did get some strength, it still wouldn’t work out like it di in the movies, since again, the damn doll is only two feet tall, and barely five pounds.

Leprechaun suffers from this issue as well. Now before I begin, yes I know that the Leprechaun movies are horror/comedy movies, but that doesn’t mean that he couldn’t be scary and funny. I wanted to give you a little info about the series, but these movies are all over the place I don’t know where to. In one movie, he is trying to retrieve his stolen gold, in another he is trying to marry a woman that is a descendant of someone that got over on him 1,000 years ago, another movie he is in space, there are two movies where he is in the hood smoking weed, and they just go on and on.

The leprechaun character himself, I don’t find scary at all. Again, maybe if this was a kids movie, it might work better, but since it’s not, it doesn’t work. To me, he looks more like a well dressed little person, than a killer set on revenge. Also, there is way too much dumb shit that is associated with him. There is one part in the first movie, where people are trying to get to their car, so they can get out of the area, and as they try to make it to the car, the Leprechaun is right behind them, and how do they get away from him? They throw a box of shoes at him, because the Leprechaun has to stop to shine the shoes. What the ever loving fuck!? They try to have him come off as funny, but instead he comes off as silly, dumb and annoying, like a tea cup dog barking at you, and trying to nip at your ankles.

If I have to pick which one of these franchises I like better, I would have to go with Child’s Play, since the movies look and feel more horror like, than the Leprechaun movies. Also, it helps that the Child’s Play movies actually made money at the box office. In the end, I’m really hoping that the Death Battle guys put these two in a battle to the death really soon.

 

Captain Pain approves this post!!!