Below, you’ll find the ever growing results of what happens when the League’s members are asked to tell the fans a little something about themselves.
You’ve been warned.
Chairman Thomettes(thomas lance claridge jr., the third; esquire & 1/16th)
The following bio will be presented in the form of several facts. More than half of which may or may not infact be true, and shall be forever expanding.
- The often-lurking leader of this rag-tag team, The Chairman; spends most of his time wading through pools of work which vary from waist to eye level in depth.
- The Chairman cannot swim.
- The Chairman cannot ride a bike, and it slightly embarassed by this fact.
- In 1991, At the ripe age of 5, he was exposed to the heavy narcotic known as the Nintendo Entertainment System– No word yet as to his recovery.
- Unlike the complicated back story provided to the public by fellow Leaguesman Captain Pain, The Chairman has humble beginnings, middles– and a likely matching end.
- It is rumored that a single bite from The Chairman can and will induce vomiting.
- The Chairman’s favorite method of consuming herbal suppliments: Diaphragmatic breathing.
- The Chairman has a favorite Drag Queen.“More– when I feel like it.” — The Chairman
Just who the hell is Captain Pain? The legend of Captain Pain came from a super hero version of dungeon and dragons, that got way out of control. His powers may come from something similar to Captain America’s Super Soldier Serum, but his backstory sounds more likes Snake, from Metal Gear Solid.
John Williams was not a normal kid growing up. Born into a family of military scientist, he was extremely smart and athletic. What he didn’t know was his parents were giving him a special pill that enhanced his intelligence and abilities, to him it was just a daily vitamin. By 14 he was already 6’4″ 220 pounds, and graduating high school. At 17, he graduated college top of his class with degrees in cemetery and biology. He had offers from laboratories around the country, but he had a higher calling, he joined the army.
Not knowing of his enhanced abilities, basic training was a breeze for him. He quickly became an Airborne ranger, going on many missions around the world. His was determined to not only be the best solider that he could be, he wanted to be the best ever, which helped him quickly rise to the rank of Captain.
At the age of 21, his parents and his commanding officer came to him asking if he wanted to be apart of an experiment. They told him that his parents have been working on, and improved on the Super Solider Serum, that was given to Captain America. He agreed to do it, since it was his parents project. Once the serum was injected into him, he took on a radical change. His hight became 7’2″, his weight became 350 pounds, his abilities became so enhanced that he became a meta human, gaining the ability of flight, super speed and strength, and many others. Captain Pain was born. He started training with Captain America, and quickly surpassed him. He started hanging out with other heroes, picking up new skills.
One day, while transferring files for his parents, he stumbled across a file called “CA Reborn”. In it, he found out about his parents dirty little secret. He confronted them, and they told him that from the beginning they were enhancing his abilities with the “vitamin” he was taking as a child. The serum that he was giving would only worked on someone that was already enhanced, but not a full meta human. The only way they could make this work, was to start the experiment on a child. He asked if they ever cared about him, and he said no. Enraged, he destroyed their equipment and left so see Captain America.
He meets Captain America and tells him what he knows. Captain America let’s him in on a secret, he knew about it the whole time. Cap says that no matter what powers he got from the serum, that it wasn’t going to to keep father time off his back. So with the help of the government and his parents, they started on making his replacement. Also that higher calling that he had to join the Army, was nothing more then a manipulation set on by the enhancing pills. Pain started to beat up Cap, and most likely would have killed him, if the damage caused by the fight didn’t get the attention of Batman and Superman.
They stopped Pain, and he explained everything to them. Disgusted by what they heard, they talk to Pain about not using his new powers for the military, but instead fighting the good fight with them. Pain agreed, quit the Army, and started working with his new mentors, Batman and Superman. Captain Pain now patrols the Earth, taking down all forms of evil, and helping those he can.
Captain Pain approves this backstory!