The Gamecube: More Successful and Far Better Than You Might Think!

Giving the Chairman a day off~

Before we begin, I would like to state for the record that I am not a Nintendo fanboi. I’m a Sonic fanboi. So I’m far, far more cancer. This like of Sonic, admittedly, is part of the reason I chose the Gamecube for my first (yes, first) article this month.

Not to mention my first article period, but whatever.

That said, it is only part of the reason I chose the Gamecube. This console does have some great value that isn’t just “point at it and laugh, and maybe it’ll go away” entertainment.

With that out of the way, hey! I’m the RPG Craftsman, and at the end of this article I wish to shill for my Pathfinder Role-Playing Game-compatible 3pp bullshit. If you don’t know what that is, what it means, or why it’s important to me, look up Ernest Gary Gygax and David Arneson.

Actually, I’d kinda prefer that you did so before you read this article. No, I’m serious. If you don’t know those two names, please, forget my article for one minute, and just go to Wikipedia and read the first paragraph on each of these glorious, glorious men. Then come back, read this, then go look up the rest of what you find.

Okay, now that you’re back, be warned: I love my sex jokes. These are going to be a thing for me, so…yeah.

And now the article begins proper.

How To Controller 101

So, why the Gamecube? After all, people seem to love to hate on it – or at least they did back when it first came out. I might be remembering wrong, but I seem to recall people really didn’t like the console once codenamed the Dolphin.

Let’s start off with the controller. I mean, okay, it’s not that great. It doesn’t exactly carry the console. But compare this thing to:

  • Its predecessor, the Nintendo 64;
  • Its successor, the Wii;
  • And the first X-Box design (which admittedly isn’t a high bar at all).

Compared to any of these three, much less all of them, the Gamecube’s controller is the console equivalent of a blowjob. Let me show you what I mean.

ya.jpg
I love the games on the N64, but sweet Jesus that is an awful layout.
ya2.jpg
Nintendo, what the actual fuck were you thinking? Sure it fits in the hands well but come on!

 

ya3.jpg

I’ve got pretty large hands and I can’t hold this thing. AKA
I have no mouth and I must scream

 

Ya4.png

 

The Gamecube controller has the simplicity of the X-Box controller, the fits-in-your-hand of the Wii controller, and games that make the N64 proud.

Games That Sucked, but

Games That Swallowed

But some of you are probably laughing at that last bit, about the N64’s games being equivalent to those on the Gamecube, and admittedly for good reason. The Gamecube had some real stinkers in the actual games department, and as a Sonic fan (no, I don’t have a fursona, and if I did it’d be a D&D kobold thank you very much!), I can admit that at least one came from that fandom.

ya5.jpg
Better known to the internet as ‘Ow, the edge’

To be perfectly fair, though, this stinkbomb came out on the 360 and the PS2 as well. And yes, I got suckered into buying this. I haven’t ever regretted a game purchase this much.

 

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If only because this miserable atrocity never fucking happened

 

With that said, this console started off fairly strong, with three of my first titles on the Gamecube being Luigi’s Mansion, Star Wars Rogue Squadron 2: Rogue Leader, and SSB Melee. Eventually, we got Sonic Adventure 2: Battle, which blew my goddamn mind as a fairly young teen.

Remember, I’m one of those dirty Sonic fans. Problem is, I never had a Dreamcast, so I only got to play either of the Sonic Adventure games here. Maybe that colors my vision of the Gamecube a bit too rosy, but I doubt it, for a few reasons:

  1. Luigi’s Mansion, despite it’s fairly “silly” premise and the fact that Luigi is a lame protagonist in this game, is a fun and strong title in terms of gameplay.

  2. Melee may be one of the least balanced Smash Brothers titles, but come on, you know you had fun with it anyway.

  3. Rogue Squadron 2 isn’t a household name for the Gamecube, but this was a fun, and very challenging, space flight and space battle simulation game. Also far better than 3, if what I hear is correct. If you get a chance, give it a look.

  4. The goddamn Paper Mario sequel, The Thousand Year Door. As if I even need to mention this 30-karat, glowing, beauty of a gem.

  5. The N64-to-Gamecube remakes of Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask. By the way, OoT is not the best Legend of Zelda game. Nah, that title goes to Majora’s Mask. Fight me if you wish, but this is objective fact for storyline alone.

  6. On the note of Zelda games, Wind Waker. Make fun of it if you wish, but if the cutscene where you beat Ganondorf doesn’t make you shiver with the bittersweet taste of a pyrrhic victory, won only by the skin of your teeth and the timely intervention of the Last King of Hyrule? Well, that’s because you’ve either never played the final battle, or because you have no soul.

  7. Various collections, including the first 8 Megaman games, the Sonic collections, and the limited edition Zelda collection. On that last note, uh, Nintendo? I know I eventually got a copy because of Gamestop, but fuck you for making it limited edition “only comes with a Golden Triforce Gamecube” game, especially years into the console’s lifespan. No, seriously: FUCK. YOU.

…ahem. Sorry, that one just burned my ass back in the day.

  1. This is another controversial one, but, Super Mario Sunshine. We didn’t have a decent “Mario” game on the Gamecube until this one. It has problems, sure, but it’s actually pretty good, if you ask me. I had fun with it.

  2. Pokemon: Colosseum. I was a PokeManiac at the time of this game’s release, and this story was just edgy enough to be cool, without raping the entire character of a certain a black-furred hedgehog.

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Yes, Scott Ramsoomair was crude about it, but come on, let’s be honest. We were ALL thinking it. (credit to VGCats.com)

 

  1. On the same note as Colosseum, Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness. Yes, yes, I know. The title is utterly agonizing in its Ow the Edge level, but this sequel took the amazing ideas of its predecessor and made them even better. Probably my second favorite Gamecube game, right behind Thousand Year Door, which I note above.

  2. Animal Crossing. Yes, the first Animal Crossing game was on the Gamecube, and it was pretty damn fun. Also, my first experience with Mr. Resetti was, in fact, an accident: the power went out for some reason or another mid-game, and when it came back on, and I opened the game again, I got a very interesting surprise. And of course, from then on, that was my only fun in the game, because his overreactions were fucking amazeballs.

  3. And (fittingly enough) last, but not least, the last big game for the Gamecube, the port from its successor, the Wii: Twilight Princess. I never got to finish this game, for some stupid reason or another; I got past the final jousting duel against the Moblin Chieftain guy, at the foot of Hyrule Castle, but I just never finished it from there, even though it was like less than an hour of gameplay left. I still enjoyed this game immensely the entire time I played, and Midna is a fun, funny, and amazing character.

So yeah, throughout its 6-year lifespan, the Gamecube had some pretty good games on it, as well as many, many rehashes, several true stinkers, and a few lovely gems that no one should ignore if they love video gaming at all. Note that I said “love,” not “like;” if you are a really, really casual gamer, you can justify buying a copy of these games to play them as ROMs.

On the other hand, you might not be able to justify actually buying the console. As of July 6, 2018, you can buy a Gamecube on Amazon for about $120 USD, but depending on your budget, that might be relatively infeasible. 

Working Harder

Gaming Better

Works Much Faster

Just Not Stronger

“But hey,” you say, “what specs do you need to run the Gamecube as an emulator?” Good question, and I must admit: I had to turn to the internet and Wikipedia for this. Before I state anything about specs, though, keep in mind: Emulation is illegal unless you have a physical copy of the game. Yes, that’s dumb, but that’s US law at the very least. In other countries, it might be far more stringent…or, perhaps, lenient. Google it just to be safe!

The Gamecube used a 16-megabit (2 megabyte) memory card for its data storage, though there were some memory cards that went as high as 64 megabits. So, saving your games is no issue. However, the average game took up 1.5 gigabytes, so only a modern computer could really store a large library without just using an external hard drive or something.

For the actual emulator, the best-rated Gamecube emulator, the Dolphin (version 5.0), takes 18875 kilobits(?) according to the emulator-zone.com website. Bits > bytes = bits/8, so 2359.375 (2360, we’ll say) kilobytes. Kilobytes > megabytes = 1024 (not 1000!), so you’re looking at about 2.3 megabytes – an extremely low HD and RAM requirement for a Gen6 console!

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This baby could fit in your arm with ease.
For such a small object and such little
computing power, this thing is a beast.

The other two Gen6 consoles had gaming disks of about 8.5 dual-layer, full-sized DVDs. The PS2 was easily portable, and in fact far more portable than even the relatively-tiny Gamecube, mostly because it was slim on one of its three dimensions. The X-Box, however, was a goddamn beast to carry. Hell, the 360 was a little troublesome to haul without some kind of easy-carry device like a backpack or a medium-sized suitcase. (I never owned an original X-Box, so take all this, and that last part, how you will.)

So make no mistake, by raw power, size, and ease of transport, the PS2 is a better console, but I came late to that game, and only because of Persona 3. I’d not even heard of the Shin Megami Tensei series at the time, but I was a weeaboo bar none, and P3 hooked me harder than an anchor with a 20-pound hunk of dead cow hooks a Pelagic Grouper.

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Why yes, I DID make a “bait” joke and a Darkest Dungeon joke in the same run-on sentence. Fite me bich. (Credit to the Darkest Dungeon Subreddit(IIRC))

To Summarize:

Okay, sure. The Gamecube isn’t the best console ever made. It’s not necessarily the best Gen6 console ever made. But it was absolutely worth every penny, by my estimation, as were many of the games. Some were even worth their (meager) weight in gold.

And if all that doesn’t convince you, I doubt much will.

RPG Craftsman, signing off!

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