Queen of Kick Dick City

Good morning Leaguers and my loyal Painkillers! Did you guys miss the Captain?

Well, I missed you guys. So like I said I was dealing with some health bullshit, but I’m doing better now. Now just deal with the regular bullshit that life throws at you. The Captain will get back to giving you guys classic two player games to play, and short anime series to watch really soon, but since it’s the holidays, I figured that I would share a jacked up Christmas story staring Mama Pain, and why she will forever be the Queen of Dick Kick City. (Those that know who Brian Zane is, will get that reference)

Let’s take you back to Christmas time 1998, the only thing that I wanted that year was Madden 99 for the ps1. In the past, they football game that I would normally get was NFL Game Day. Now don’t get me wrong, it was a really good game. The issue was that everyone else I knew got Madden every year, and I was the only dope that had Game Day. So what would normally happen was if someone came to my house, I would beat them in Game Day, and if I went to someone house, they would beat me in Madden. It didn’t help matters much that the button layout for both games was just different enough to confuse me, just because I was used to Game Day. Like hitting the sprint button for Game Day, would cause me to dive, or spin in Madden, and most of the time screw me over. Most of you that play a lot of fps games, my know this pain since in one game hitting a certain button would have you looking down your scope to line up a headshot, while hitting that same button in a different game, you just threw a grenade, and now you or your teammates have to get up and run away before you get killed.

So Christmas Day comes, and I’m hoping that this will be the year that I will finally have my own copy of Madden. My mom and grandma pass out gifts to me, and my younger brother and sister. Like usual, I get some stuff that kids tend not to ask for for the holidays, like clothes. I also got some toys and video games. Finally, my last gift. I already knew that it was a video game, since it shaped like a CD case, and I knew that my mom had no idea what kind of music to get me. As soon as my mom handed it to me, I tore off the wrapping paper, saying to myself, “Please be Madden, please be Madden!”. Once I got the paper off I held it up,and my stomach started to turn.

game_day_99__65608.1423501136.jpg
It wasn’t madden…

I was staring at Terrell Davis, with the words NFL Gameday 99 above his head. I was disappointed, since it wasn’t what I wanted, but I knew that it was a solid game, so I knew that I would be fine. That is, until my mom showed why she is the Queen of Dick Kick City, with what she told me next. She said to me, and I quote “Me and Nana went to the store and there was only one copy of Madden left, so we got you this, and gave that copy of Madden to your cousin.” (Dick Kick City Bitch!).

Now a normal kid, might have made a face, or said something like what the fuck, I’m your kid, why don’t I get it, or just would have said or done something, but since I was just so used to verbally getting kicked in the dick by my mom, that I was just numb to her bullshit, so I just got up, when to my room, blasted some Rock music to piss her off, and played some video games. This is one of those times that I wished she would have lied to me, but I know that if it was my brother or sister, she would have made up something, other then telling them that she likes like your cousin more than she like you, even though she had you. Moral of this story, if you don’t want to scar your kids with the truth, lie to them!

 

Captain Pain approves this post, and Happy Holidays to all!!!

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